1、601 To Market, To MarketWhen you live in the city that never sleeps. it comes as a bit of a shock when somehow.you manage to oversleep.Taxi!Excuse me.Taxi!Thank you.Shit!Sir, I have to be downtown in 30 minutes.Thank you.Keep the change.I thought that you need a lift.Excuse me. Hi.Which way to the s

2、tock exchange?There.Thank you.Excuse me.Step forward.Okay.Stop. Give him the bag.Here, can you hold that?Lets go. Stop. Arms.Im sorry.Sir, can you hurry? Im here to ring the bell.Go ahead.Okay, Thank you.Step forward.All right, you have to put this on.And we gotta hurry up.Today, one of New Yorks fa

3、vorite newspa-pers.the New York Star is going public.And here to open trading is one of its favorite columnists.Carrie Bradshaw.Now you can press it.The day after the stock market.I met the ladies for Lunch in the fashionable Meat Market.It was so exciting. It almost made me want to invest in someth

4、ing.I love the stock market.A room full of screaming, sweating men all trying to get it up.I dont invest anymore. its too volatile.Exactly. I like my money right where I can see it.Hanging in my closet.Actually, your stock is up. I bought shares of your newspaper yesterday.Really? Thank you, sweetie

5、.Was it expensive?No, youre cheap.I never.Ladies.Thank you.$20 for a hamburger? Thats reasonable.Pathetic. When I moved to this neighbor-hood.the only thing that cost $20 was a hand job from a tranny.Im serious. its all gotten so sanitary.I mean no smoking in bars.Whats next? No fucking in bars?Well

6、, first there would have to be a no-fuck-ing section.I mean, just look at this street.Stella McCartney, Alexander McQueen.The only designer name that belongs in the Meatpacking District.is Oscar Mayer.I never liked his clothes.Too fatty.But thats whats great about New York.Theres always a new neighb

7、orhood or restaurant.A new man.Thats right. Friday night, my first official date with Jack Berger.That is so exciting. isnt that exciting?Sure. its all fun and games till someone has a child.So, what do you two have planned?He hasnt said yet.So many outfits need to be scouted.You kids today and your

8、 dating.I know. I feel like a girl of 35 again.I really like him.Then you better find out his bottom line right up front.If Harry had told me he could only be seri-ous about me if I were Jewish.I doubt Id be in my situation.I dont get it. What kind of man passes up pussy for Purim?Soup and a tenderl

9、oin of pork.Whats with the face?I didnt make a face.I said pork, you went.its just Im confused.You can order pork, but you cant get serious about our future.because Im not Jewish.And from the meat market to the marriage market.Charlotte, it doesnt work that way.Im not kosher. Im conservative.Im cons

10、ervative, too.My conservative doesnt have anything to do with wearing pearls.Look, I know what youre thinking, okay?Why did I let things get this far without talking about this?Why did I sleep with you or even kiss you?Why did you?Because I couldnt not kiss you.Not sleep with you, not see you.Believ

11、e me, I never thought a shiksa goddess like you.would fall for a putz like me.Youre not a putz.Do you even know what putz means?Yes, schmuck.Sure youre not Jewish?And from Jewish to poolsh.You got a little doody on your forehead.What? Where?No. Now you got more. The other side.Which side?Help! its n

12、ot funny. Baby wipe me.Get it off!Baby wipe me.I did not say it like that. Just get it off.Baby wipe me.Lets see how you like it.No, Miranda!No, Knock it off!Brady, tell Mommy to stop chasing Daddy.What?I dont think its funny.You werent the one with shit on your face.You were chasing me.I dont have

13、time for this.I have to get up early.I dont know why youre here.You dropped off the baby hours ago.I dont have time to stand around while you read the paper.and order food in.Dont you have a life?I got a life.Bye, Brady.Im in love with Steve.Hold this.Oh, my God, I cant believe it.Come on, are you s

14、eriously telling me you didnt know?I knew. I just cant believe you admitted it.I need a drink. What have you got?its 11 :30 on a Saturday morning.Did you not hear me just say I was in love with Steve?I think I got an old bottle of Kahla some-where.Okay, hold on there, Brady.Mama needs a Cocktail.Las

15、t night, we were in the dining room,and we were laughing.All of a sudden, I looked over at him and I realized.we belong together.So I picked a fight and threw him out of my apartment.Good thinking.These Triscuits have been here since the mid80s.I so cannot be in love with Steve.Steve so is not the g

16、uy for me.Miranda.Youre right.Steve so is the guy for me.No, I was just asking if Brady can eat crack-ers yet.No.How can I have been wrong all these years?You werent wrong.It just took you a while to get here.What are you gonna do?I dont know.I have a lot invested in this relationship.Plus we have t

17、he baby.Plus you said you were in love with him.So how are you gonna tell him?Maybe I should take him somewhere roman-tic.where I cant start a fight.My God, Miranda.Do you know what this means?Youre asking Steve out on a date.Hi, Samantha.Hiya.Youre looking good, Sam.That night, as Samantha walked h

18、ome.past her friendly neighborhood bar, the Rampole.she saw something truly upsetting.Just what we need: another Wall Street ass-hole with money.Hold the door!Hi, Thanks. I live here.See, here are my keys.Chip Kilkenny. Ive just moved in.Samantha Jones. 3F.Im 4F. Youre right under me.That sounds pro

19、mising.Thats quite a car.I love a nice Hummer.Good night.And uptown, in a slightly less obvious ma-neuver.Im close.Honey!Is this whole Jewish thing really that big a deal?No! God!The next morning, bright and early.Good morning.Theres a happy face.I am a happy face.its a beautiful morning, and the su

20、n is shin-ing.And you changed your mind about the Jew-ish thing.What Jewish thing? When?Last night.I asked you if it was that important to you.and you said no.I did?Yeah.When we were making love, right before you came.How could you not remember?Charlotte, honey, I cant remember my own name right bef

21、ore I come.Thats what you said.Asking me to renounce Judaism during sex is a clear manipulation.Blah, blah, blah!I just dont understand.Why is it so important to you?I promised my mother I would marry a Jew.Your mother?Charlotte had had her fill of potential hus-bands.and their demanding mothers.Har

22、rys stock suddenly began to plummet.Right before she died.And just like that, it was up again.Im very sorry your mother is no longer with us.because if she met me Shed fall in love with you like I did and not care?No. Jews dont think like that.Keeping tradition alive was very important to her.She lo

23、st family in the Holocaust.What?Now I cant say anything because youve brought up the Holocaust.Hi, its me. Leave a message.Hi, its Jack.Berger, not Kerouac.I wanted to clear that up.So, youre probably standing there screening.Way to play it. Im a big fan of the screen.In fact, dont pick up or Ill ju

24、st.Ill panic and hang up.Dont pick up.Im not readyfor actual voice-on-voice action.So Im jumping right in.and suggesting din-ner and a movie for the big date.Everybodys really been loving that movie, Craigs Room.Why dont we go and hate it?Here come the movie times.We have 5:15, we have 7:00.And he c

25、alcu-lated which times and which theaters.would be least crowded, which says, take charge.Yet left the restaurant choice to me, which says, flexible.All in all, the perfect machine message.I think Berger and I are going to be very hap-py together.I love this time before the first date when you can s

26、ay things like that.and almost be-lieve them.Why all the drama?Because I really like him.And you can imagine what that does to a girl.Got it. Say no more. Really, say no more.Right after, I got a message from this other fellow.who Ive known for a year, suddenly asking me out.which only proves my the

27、o-ry:The only thing a girl needs to get a date is another date.Your stock is up.And did you say yes?No, I already have a date.Which is why you should say yes to the oth-er one.Youre putting a lot of pressure on this Berg-er date.Charlottes right. You need to do something-to take the edge off.I am no

28、t going on a simulate.How many new outfits have you bought for this movie? Be honest.None. Six. All returnable.All right, maybe just a casual coffee to take the edge off Berger.Exactly.Later that day, I got to thinking about the stock market and dating.Are they really that different?If you have a ba

29、d stock, you can lose your shirt.If you have a bad date, you can lose your will to live.And if the date is good, the stakes get even higher.After weathering all the ups and downs.you Could one day find yourself with noth-ing.When it comes to finance and dating.I Couldnt help but wonder: Why do we ke

30、ep investing? And speaking of high-risk invest-ments.Hey, its me. Im not here.Try me at Scout: 9577297.Dont forget the 212.Hi, Steve.I need to talk to you about something.How about we do it over dinner?Hows tomorrow night?Magda can sit with Brady.Let me know. Bye.its Miranda and.Bye.Miranda feared i

31、t was possibly the most im-perfect machine message ever.And Samantha decided to say itwith a basket.Welcome Wagon.Hi.Excuse the towel. I was just gonna shower.I brought you a basket filled with goodies.to acquaint you with your new neighborhood.Cheese, prosciutto, condoms, handcuffs.Handcuffs?From t

32、he bar next door.Enjoy.If I reach for that, my towel will fall.Im no fool.A little while Later, Samantha blew Chip the stockbroker.Yes!Now thats what I call eating in.I never do this, but heres a tip.?lan Pharmaceuticals is gonna go straight through the roof.?lan Pharmaceuticals.Thanks.No, Thank you

33、.That was the best Fing head of my life.Just like that, their mutual fun.turned into mutual funds.Later that week, I met graphic designer Willy Applegate.for a Late afternoon simulate.This is a cute place.I hope its okay. I didnt know.But I figured, you cant go wrong with a gar-den, right?Yeah, its

34、great.I hope its okay.I didnt know. I just said that.It suddenly became clear that a simulate for me.was a first date for him.Are you looking at my sty?Excuse me?My sty.I have a sty. See, right here.I was gonna cancel, but then I thought: Maybe she wont even notice it.I didnt even.No, I wasnt lookin

35、g at it.Thats good.What was that?Have you ever seen anything like it?No, I have never.This is a bad choice of place. Im sorry.No, its fine.its fun.its like a cappuccino wilderness safari.Balsamic vinegar in my sty.God, here.Thanks. Could this go any worse?What the fuck?Im fine.It was a sudden crash

36、no analyst had seen coming.And in yet another type of market.I hope youre happy now.Im twice as nervous about my Berger date.Caring too much is like a disaster magnet.Poor guy.Can you catch a sty helping someone up from gravel?Wheres the homeopathic section?Maybe they make something called StyB-Gone

37、.Did you know that Elizabeth Taylor convert-ed to Judaism for Eddie Fisher?Im thrown by the change of topic, but I do appreciate the trivia.Im reading her book My Love Affair with Jewelry.Not surprising.She changed her religion for the man she loved.And a big old, honking piece of jewelry.Dont be so

38、 cynical.Sorry, its my potential sty talking.Love. She did it for love.Are you thinking of pulling an Elizabeth Taylor?I need more information.Theres more to being a Jew than jewelry.Wise words. Ill meet you at the checkout.Charlotte wondered just how far she Would go for her true love.Did you know

39、that Elizabeth Taylor convert-ed to Judaism for Eddie Fisher?Now dont get too excited.Were just trading information here.Okay.From a not excited place I ask, is this some-thing you might consider?Im just trying to understand whats so spe-cial about being a Jew.I feel like Im on a game show.Im seriou

40、s.If this is really your bottom line, then youre gonna have to try.and give me a reason, a-side from your mother, that I can relate to.If we were to get married.Now, were just trading information here.I would want our children to be raised Jew-ish.Charlotte realized it was time to reveal to Harry.he

41、r bottom line.If thats really the reason, then I have to tell you something.I may not be able to give you children.Im challenged in the reproductive area.its not hopeless, but its difficult.I guess I should have brought it up sooner, but I never thought wed even.I understand if you Charlotte.I love

42、you.You are the most wonderful thing that could ever happen to a schmuck like me.Youre not a schmuck.Youre a putz.Seriously, Harry.you want a family.and what if I couldnt give that to you?Wed adopt or something.But they wouldnt be your own.What are you gonna do?Charlotte York was deeply touched.by H

43、ar-ry Golden blatts humor, compassion, and ac-ceptance.If this is Jewish, she thought, thats worth Looking into. Meanwhile, downtown, Samantha had moved her neighbor.from stocks and bonds to stockings and bondage.Go away. Im busy.Miss Jones.Juan.Who the fuck are you?FBIGet dressed.Youre under arrest

44、 for insider trading.Turns out, Chip Kilkenny was quite the ladies man.And every time a woman went down, the Dow went up.Maam, can you undo your cuffs so we can use ours?Surely.All the good ones are getting arrested.And at a romantic restaurant, a 37yearold Single mother. found herself on a first da

45、te.You look pretty.You got a date later?No, its just the dress.Jeez Louise, its dark in here.I can barely read my menu.We need like another candle or something.I think its kind of nice.I asked you here because. I wanted to ex-plain why I picked a fight with you last week.Miranda, I know you.And I kn

46、ow why you picked a fight with me.You do?Yeah.Youre upset cause Im hanging around too much.You think Im getting too close.But you dont have to worry.I just started seeing someone else.and its going really good.So please relax.Im not in love with you anymore.All that stuff I said to you about Steve n

47、ever happened.Dont mention it to anyone.Dont think about it.Dont even so much as give me a look like you might be thinking about it.Like that look.I cant ever, never see that look again.Calm down. I think youre overreacting to that thing that never happened.If you think Im overreacting here, you sho

48、uld be inside my head.I have to say this next thing.but I will play along and not look at you while I say it.Maybe if you had told Steve anyway I swear to God, I love you but I will have to kill you.Brady, come on.Work with Mommy here. Please!Im sorry, but Im looking and Im talking.This is your life

49、.You two have a baby together.It is not high school.isnt that Berger?God, I look like shit!You dont look like shit.I look like shit. This is not my perfect outfit.Are you leaving?Yeah, bye.Oh, God. Shit!I was just entering the safety zone when.There he was.My emotional equivalent to the big crash of

50、 29:Aidan.Look at you.Look at you.I had a baby.I have a date.Thats wonderful. This is him?No, this isnt him. This is a stunt baby.Yeah, its him. This is the man: Tate.I call him Tater cause he looks like one, you know.No hair, big eyes.Hes cool. Arent you, Tate?So where are you running to?Home.So th

51、ings are good? They look good.Im just hanging out in front of this fabric store waiting for Tates mom.All right, dont laugh.I married another furniture designer.Really?Yeah. What are you gonna do?Yep. You cant fight city hall.Cathy. Shes great.You wanna come and meet her?Another time.I really have t

52、o run.Okay.Bye, Tate.Oh, God, Aidan.its good to see you.You, too.We should get together and have coffee sometime and catch up.Great. Okay, Well do that.Bye.There is the type of date you cant wait to keep.And the type of date you both know youll never keep.A block Later, I realized if Aidan and I Cou

53、ld survive that huge a crash.and both get out alive.there was nothing I Could do on a first date.I Couldnt bounce back from.Berger, its Carrie.Hi, listen.Im standing outside the Sony Theater near Lincoln Center.and Craigs Room starts in half an hour.And there are no lines. can you go now?Thats so we

54、ird.Im right in that neighborhood.Really? Must be fate.Ill be right there.Okay. Bye. This blows.I had my special outfit all picked out for tonight. I got the tickets.Then I got the popcorn and the assorted Chocolate goodies.Are you a candy gal? I am the candy gal.Cause Im a candy man.Yeah?No, I am s

55、erious. Sammy Davis ripped me off.Sammy Davis.You dont feel the need to use the Junior?No. Not at all.Really?Nope.And by close of Wall Street that day.the NASDAQ was down, but amazingly, our stock was still up.602 Great SexpectationsThe only thing as delicious as those first few bites.of a truly gre

56、at burger.are those first few dates with someone truly great.like Berger.So I thought, Thats cool, Ill do a book reading in my hometown.Right about after the fifth question I realized that my mother is heckling me.She was not.No, she was.Ask anybody at the Downers Grove Barnes & Noble. They still ta

57、lk about it.Come here.Everything is fresh. Everything is a first.You like your beef.Everything is foreplay.Even a trip to Bed Bath & Beyond can become an ecstatic errand.I dont see you as a fish person.The problem with the fish is youre into the whole fish theme.You have the fish soap, fish bathmat.

58、its a pyramid scheme, this shower curtain.Now, this is the one I have at home.Except on mine, Chinas covered in mold.And here they thought communism was a problem. You know, its a very intimate thing, shopping for shower curtains.Yeah? Wait till I get you into bedding.And, of course, those first kis

59、ses.are the greatest kisses in the world.Good night.We should get out of here before they turn the lights off.The wait staff Couldnt wait any longer and neither Could I.I wanted Berger in my bed, bath, and beyond immediately.Im either leaving a very big tip or a dry cleaning receipt.My hair.Sorry.Wa

60、s that.No, I just.The next night, Samantha convinced us to go to Raw.where the scene was hot and the food was not.Youd think a place that eliminated cooking could eliminate waiting.You mean they dont cook the food?Thats why they call it Raw.The raw food movement? People love it.Sting, Demi, SoonYi,